It's Empty?

That is exactly what my thoughts were 8/25 when we went for our first ultrasound thinking I was over 8 weeks along. And for the past week, that is kind of how I have felt, empty. It's weird to describe that you feel pregnant but in reality knowing you have nothing to show for it. We returned to see Dr. Bierer on September 2. Ben and I were shocked to find out the news that my pregnancy would not progress any more. The condition is called a "blighted ovum". Which means as the pregnancy progressed a chromosome abnormality caused the embryo to absorb back into the sac.

Why am I writing this? Because statistically miscarriages happen 1 out of every 4 pregnancies. Yet somehow, I feel alone.

Today, September 11th I had my D&C done. I walked into the Mindful Medical clinic, filled out some paperwork, and waited. Then they took me back to an exam room, where they gave me the biggest gown they could. I could wrap it around twice and it was down to my ankles. They started the IV and we waited for the anesthesiologist. He came in, was very nice but had a funny lisp. Then it was off to the surgical room. Before they put me under they did another ultrasound just to reassure me that this procedure was the right thing to do. I could see that the sac was pulling away from theh uterus and that's when the nurse started talking. She began telling me how people were going to say stupid things to me like "it's okay you can have another baby, or at least you never felt it move, or you're still young." Luckily they gave me a mix of versed, fentanyl, and propofol to knock me out. The last thing I remember is the buzzing in my head that was so loud, I felt like I was screaming at the doctors to tell them. Then I woke up in the recovery room. Ben was next to me. He kept giving me sips of water and I could hardly swallow it. And apparently, the versed made me lose my memory so I kept repeating myself. So, all the stuff I just wrote before about the surgical room Ben got to hear at least 5 times. I sort of remember asking the nurse if I had to do fundal checks, (you know when the nurse pushes on your belly after giving birth to check the size of your uterus). Which is totally ridiculous considering the procedure that was done. I thought it was a dream but Ben told me I really asked it outloud. Oh how embarassing. Now I am home. I am crampy and still very tired.

September 12, I guess my hormones are starting to get all crazy. At Midnight I broke down while laying in bed, poor Ben. Sept. 13th, I went to Alayna's house. We have only met one other time but she is so nice and our boys are the same age so while our husbands played volleyball we had our little boys play. She is expecting a baby in two weeks. So of course she asks if I am ready to have another baby. I said yes and then it hit me again. I told her about our miscarriage and then she told me that she had two in a row. I felt horrible that she went through it two times. And here I was doing it once and I was feeling miserable. So, we had a little cry, both of us trying not to. It was good to talk to someone else that has been through it and especially to find out it was an identical situation.

I have never been much of an emotional person and I feel weak (or vulnerable) when I cry. Plus it makes you look so ugly. ha ha.
I know that miscarriages happen for a reason, I know it's not my fault, I know that it is better to have had a miscarriage now than to have a baby that I cannot care for or knowing I would outlive it. But regardless of the knowledge I have, I still feel that I lost a baby and that is a difficult thing to grasp.


Here are the answers to many questions that I'm sure nobody really wants to ask.
1. I was due on April 7, 2009
2. I was 10 weeks along when I had the d & c.
3. Yes, I ran the half marathon while I was pregnant.
4. No, that didn't cause the miscarriage.
5. I didn't take a pregnancy test until I was 8 weeks along.
6. Yes, I will talk to you about it. My hormones aren't crazy anymore.